Weight Loss and Love

As some of you may know I recently lost the last of the weight I had been working on ever since I started 7 years ago.  In that time I lost 104 lbs.  It took a lot of time, dedication, and perseverance.  It also caused a lot of disappointment, frustration, and self hatred.

I was never happy with myself, no matter how hard I worked.  All I could see was what was wrong with me, instead of what was right.  That was not healthy, not in the least.  I kept trying to convince myself that I was doing this because I wanted to be healthy and fit.  The reality however was that it was because I was unhappy with myself, both inside and out.  When you end up hating yourself because you ate a cookie with your dinner, or you ate more than you had wanted to during the day, you know that something is wrong.

When I first decided that I wanted to loose the weight was in my Junior year in High School.  I was pushing 280lbs, and was pretty unhealthy.  I got easily winded and was unable to do daily tasks without getting tired.  I had a friend who had recently lost a lot of weight and was gaining a lot of attention because of it.  I decided that I wanted to be like that too.  So I started to diet and exercise.  For two years I lost weight until I plateaued around 210 lbs.  I stayed this way for several years, but during that whole time I was unhappy with myself, I didn't like myself very much.

Fast forward to this last year.  Last February I realized that I had gained a lot of the weight back that I had lost and decided that I wanted to loose that weight again.  So I started dieting and exercising again.  This time I lost enough weight to bring me down to 175lbs, what would be considered a very good and healthy weight for someone of my age and size, but I still felt like there was something wrong with me.  All I could see was what I didn't like about myself.

A few months ago I sat down to dinner with a friend of mine.  The subject of my weight loss came up and lets just say that she was not to happy to be talking about it.  She told me that she believes that we should not put such a large emphasis on people loosing weight, which is why she hadn't mentioned anything to me about my weight loss.  She said that you never know what is causing the wight loss and that in praising someone you could be perpetuating a serious problem.  At the time I was a little upset.  I felt that I was being told there was something wrong with me, which there was, I just wouldn't admit it.  After that I just let it go and went on with my life, and dieting.  Little did I know that her words would have a huge impact on me just a few month later.

Last week I was looking in the mirror before going to bed and instead of seeing me all I could see was my love handles, stretch marks, unmuscular legs and arms, and saggy abdominal skin.  All I could think in that moment was that some day I might have to get a tummy tuck if my skin didn't snap back.  I went to bed, yet again, hating myself and chasing this person I thought I had to be.  As I lay there I just wished that I could love myself, that was all I really wanted.

I woke up the next morning dreading having to look in the mirror.  I walked up to the mirror, just like every other morning, looked up into the glass, and smiled.  I couldn't believe it, for the first time since I was a child I looked in the mirror and all I could see was...me.  I didn't see any of those so called flaws anymore.  I loved myself.  The whole time I was looking for everyone elses love and acceptance, the only thing I really needed was my own.

Now, this does not mean that I think that loosing weight in and of itself is unhealthy.  I do believe that loosing weight when you don't need to, and for the wrong reasons is.  I still exercise three days a week and eat healthy meals everyday.  The only difference this time is that I am truly doing it so that I can be healthy.  I'm also not obsessive about it, if I want that cookie I am going to have it. If I gain a few pounds, fine, I will still be me.  If I had the weight to loose all over again, would I?  Yes, but for very different reasons, and without the self hatred.  There is a quote from the film Eat, Pray, Love that I think sums up my new train of thought, "I've no interest in being obese, I'm just through with the guilt"

No longer will I count every calorie I ate during the day so that I can use it to apply self loathing when I look at myself in the mirror.  No longer will I compare myself to other people and think that I am just not good enough.  No longer will I withhold love from myself...

I love me for me, whoever that may be...