When it rains...

Whoa!  Long time no post!  Guess I just didn't have anything to say (or im just lazy and really bad at updating this thing) :)

Im here now so I may as well say something.

Over the past few days it has been raining pretty hard around here.  Im really enjoying it actually, I love the rain.  I love the way it sounds on my sky lights, especially at night.  I love the way it hits me in the face.  I love the way it makes me feel like I've been enveloped.  I love so many things about the rain.  One of my favorite movies is Singing in the Rain.  I find it funny though that while the rain that I love so much is coming down outside, there is a rain that I am not so fond of on the inside.

I mean this figuratively, although due to a few leaks I also mean this literally.

Katie and I have recently been dealt a devastating blow that will affect our future.  I cant really share what that is, but rest assured that it is BIG.

I have been spending these last few days not really knowing what to do, emotionally, socially, etc.  I've sort of just shut down.

It is times like these that really test my optimism, of which I am very proud to say I have a lot of.

I was thinking today about something someone said to me once.  He said that all of the churches he had been to spent way to much time focusing on being optimistic and always being happy and never recognizing the pain in the world.  At the time I brushed it off as a bunch of pessimistic brouhaha, yes I said brouhaha.  But after spending some time thinking about what he said, he's kind of right.

I cant remember the last time I saw a church look at the dark side and fully embrace it as part of everyones life.  For the most part churches try to cover up the dark parts with glossed over images of happiness.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.  Sometimes life just SUCKS!  Covering it up and hoping it will go away will not help either.  Glossing over the dark parts will not make them go away, they will always be there just under the weak veneer of happiness that is created.

In order to find a real happiness, we have to face those dark parts and fully embrace them.  We have to be brave enough to wallow in our sorrow and pain for a while.  We have to be brave enough to grapple with it and see it as it is.  We have to be ok with being a little (or even a lot) uncomfortable sometimes.  This is a normal process of life.

I stated above that I am very proud to call myself an optimist.  Just because I like to see the better and brighter things in life doesn't mean that I can, or will, ignore the (excuse my language) shit that comes along.

Right now there is a, as my sister would say it, shit load of dark parts coming at me.  But I wont be afraid to embrace it, to wallow in it, to accept it as it comes.

For now, im wallowing, and thats ok because someday I wont be.  This is where the optimism comes in.  At some point, after we have acknowledged that dark part, we have to send it away.  We cant hold onto it because then it will only grow and become worse.  At some point we have to let optimism take over.  We have to pick up and move on with our lives, hopefully having grown from the dark parts experienced.

When that day of optimism comes, I will be ready because I was not afraid to face the dark parts.  I will be able to have a true happiness rather than a weak and fake veneer.

This day is one that I am optimistically hoping for

Ill Never Grow Up!

No I wont!

I firmly believe that I have one of the best jobs in the whole world.  Twice a week I head up north 101 to a small neighborhood in, well in a big city, to play with three awesome kids.  This last Tuesday we played badminton, tag, hide and seek,  climbed trees, made tree houses in those trees, and danced to the hokey pokey.

While this may not be everyones cup of tea it certainly is mine.  Katie tells me that I am just like peter pan sometimes.  I have to agree with her.  While becomeing a resposible adult is pretty much inevitable, or should be, I absolutly refuse to grow up.  The day that I am to old to climb a tree or dance around like a fool is the day that I will stop living.  I think that everyone can use just a little dose of fun and childishness in their lives.  I know that I will never forget how to get back to neverland

"Second to the right, and straight on till morning"

Weight Loss and Love

As some of you may know I recently lost the last of the weight I had been working on ever since I started 7 years ago.  In that time I lost 104 lbs.  It took a lot of time, dedication, and perseverance.  It also caused a lot of disappointment, frustration, and self hatred.

I was never happy with myself, no matter how hard I worked.  All I could see was what was wrong with me, instead of what was right.  That was not healthy, not in the least.  I kept trying to convince myself that I was doing this because I wanted to be healthy and fit.  The reality however was that it was because I was unhappy with myself, both inside and out.  When you end up hating yourself because you ate a cookie with your dinner, or you ate more than you had wanted to during the day, you know that something is wrong.

When I first decided that I wanted to loose the weight was in my Junior year in High School.  I was pushing 280lbs, and was pretty unhealthy.  I got easily winded and was unable to do daily tasks without getting tired.  I had a friend who had recently lost a lot of weight and was gaining a lot of attention because of it.  I decided that I wanted to be like that too.  So I started to diet and exercise.  For two years I lost weight until I plateaued around 210 lbs.  I stayed this way for several years, but during that whole time I was unhappy with myself, I didn't like myself very much.

Fast forward to this last year.  Last February I realized that I had gained a lot of the weight back that I had lost and decided that I wanted to loose that weight again.  So I started dieting and exercising again.  This time I lost enough weight to bring me down to 175lbs, what would be considered a very good and healthy weight for someone of my age and size, but I still felt like there was something wrong with me.  All I could see was what I didn't like about myself.

A few months ago I sat down to dinner with a friend of mine.  The subject of my weight loss came up and lets just say that she was not to happy to be talking about it.  She told me that she believes that we should not put such a large emphasis on people loosing weight, which is why she hadn't mentioned anything to me about my weight loss.  She said that you never know what is causing the wight loss and that in praising someone you could be perpetuating a serious problem.  At the time I was a little upset.  I felt that I was being told there was something wrong with me, which there was, I just wouldn't admit it.  After that I just let it go and went on with my life, and dieting.  Little did I know that her words would have a huge impact on me just a few month later.

Last week I was looking in the mirror before going to bed and instead of seeing me all I could see was my love handles, stretch marks, unmuscular legs and arms, and saggy abdominal skin.  All I could think in that moment was that some day I might have to get a tummy tuck if my skin didn't snap back.  I went to bed, yet again, hating myself and chasing this person I thought I had to be.  As I lay there I just wished that I could love myself, that was all I really wanted.

I woke up the next morning dreading having to look in the mirror.  I walked up to the mirror, just like every other morning, looked up into the glass, and smiled.  I couldn't believe it, for the first time since I was a child I looked in the mirror and all I could see was...me.  I didn't see any of those so called flaws anymore.  I loved myself.  The whole time I was looking for everyone elses love and acceptance, the only thing I really needed was my own.

Now, this does not mean that I think that loosing weight in and of itself is unhealthy.  I do believe that loosing weight when you don't need to, and for the wrong reasons is.  I still exercise three days a week and eat healthy meals everyday.  The only difference this time is that I am truly doing it so that I can be healthy.  I'm also not obsessive about it, if I want that cookie I am going to have it. If I gain a few pounds, fine, I will still be me.  If I had the weight to loose all over again, would I?  Yes, but for very different reasons, and without the self hatred.  There is a quote from the film Eat, Pray, Love that I think sums up my new train of thought, "I've no interest in being obese, I'm just through with the guilt"

No longer will I count every calorie I ate during the day so that I can use it to apply self loathing when I look at myself in the mirror.  No longer will I compare myself to other people and think that I am just not good enough.  No longer will I withhold love from myself...

I love me for me, whoever that may be...

Disneyland and other SoCal Adventures

We finally went down to Disneyland this month for the first time since the wedding.  Let me start out by saying that we didn't really tell anyone that we were going because we just wanted a low key vacation, something we haven't had in a very long time.  Don't worry though, we will be back soon :)

We started our trip on Thursday, Jan 7th, heading down to Fresno to drop of Jake with my parents.  Slept for a few hours then headed straight down to Disneyland.  We spent the whole day wandering around the park not really having a plan, just soaking in all the Disneyland greatness!  The one thing we knew we had to do was go back to the wedding site.  It was really nice to be there again, and very nostalgic.

Around dinner time we met up with Paul and Alissa to spend the rest of the evening with them in the park.  We always have a lot of fun with them, and this time it was Pauls birthday so it was even more awesome!

The next day was Pauls actual birthday so we had a big pancake breakfast, or I guess I should say brunch.  Then we headed out to the fish market which was really cool, and finished our night out in Hollywood including dinner at Baja Fresh with Mary Poppins, and an awesome showing of Tron: Legacy at the El Capitan Theater.

On Sunday it was time to go home, which was sad, but knowing we would be back again made it easier ;)

All in all it was a great, and much needed trip.  A lot of people don't really understand my deep love for all things Disney, especially Disneyland, but I honestly believe that if it weren't for that part of my life I wouldn't be the same person.

When we first entered Disneyland Katie looked over at me (while I was busy smiling so big my mouth hurt, and bouncing around like a child) and said that being at Disneyland for me was like going to church for a lot of people.  Sounds blasphemous I know but its true.  Its true in the sense that when I go there I feel filled up and refreshed.  Being at Disneyland is a safe and comfortable place for me.  It helps me to remember what is important to me.  That's why I proposed to Katie there, and got married there.

Over the years I have explained to Katie why Disneyland is so important to me, no easy task believe me, and in the process have been able to explain to her more about why I am who I am.

So, while some people may call me a fanatic, or scoff at me, I will keep loving Disney, and Disneyland.  Its like Ive been told my whole life growing up the Christian church, everyone needs a place where they can be refreshed, refilled, and call home.

Long Time no See

It's been a very long time since my last post here. Shortly after I started this blog I went into my first quarter at UCSC. Let's just say that it was a little more time consuming than I had firstj imagined. Now that I am starting my second quarter, and getting into the swing of things, I need to do a little mental spring cleaning of all the events that happened this year so far.

Between my last post and now I have learned a lot, lost a lot of weight, and discovered things about myself that I never knew existed. It never ceases to amaze me how even the smallest change in life can change your entire perspective.

I am hoping to cover all of these things and still keep up with blogging about new things. So if my posts start to get extra spastic please forgive me.

One final note, which is mostly a reminder to myself. I have decided that since this is my blog, I am going to start writing for myself. No more thinking that I have to write a whole book, include ten pictures, pie charts, and a sample of my own blood in order to write a good blog. I'm sure that some of my posts will be nice and long with lots of graphics, but some won't, and that's ok. This is my blog, and I am going to write, or not write, what I want.

-Matt